This isn’t a happy blog, but this is my story on losing my first pregnancy.
March 1st 2017 – The Day We Found Out We Were Pregnant
This is one of the happiest days of my life, finally we were pregnant. A baby. I think I brought and took around 20 tests just to double check, you know? I phoned my best friend after I took a test because I was freaking out, she cried. I had a meltdown, absolutely shitting myself even though I was ecstatic. All of sudden it was real I was going to be responsible for a tiny little human.
Waiting all day for my husband to finish work so I could tell him in person, I didn’t do anything special like you see on those Facebook videos. That’s just not us. I left the test on the fireplace, told him to come look. When he looked it was a typical response from a man, ‘what’s that?’ ‘Ew is that a pee stick?’. Once I explained it’s the two lines he needed to look at, he got so excited. He shouted ‘really! Are you sure!?’ Kissed me and picked me up.
Now if you know me, I hate being picked up, I have this ridiculous fear that if someone tries to pick me up and they make all those grunting sounds like I’m a fat oaf, falls backwards still holding me and break their back. I tend to overthink, just a bit.
So after all the excitement, he made me drive to the shop and get a clear blue just to make sure. Don’t think he would believe it until he read the words ‘pregnant’. We did all that and I just didn’t want to wait to tell our parents. I’m impatient and can’t keep my mouth shut. Which I blame on being Greek, same as most of my family. We run on Greek time so we’re late to everything. That’s our excuse anyway.
My husband was in the army at the time so he was due to go away for 3 weeks in a couple of days. Those days we spent together before he left I kept saying something is wrong, I just didn’t feel right. I had pregnancy symptoms, achy breasts, nausea, but I had had some spotting which freaked me the fuck out! But everything I read online and asked pregnant women they all said it was just implantation. I just knew that wasn’t it.
March 7th 2017 – The Day My Life Changed
I finally plucked up the courage to phone the doctor. What was wrong with me? Why did I bleed that one day? Why have I got bad cramps on just one side? All these questions going unanswered, but at the same time my anxiety was so high I didn’t want to know the answers, I wanted to believe I was just being ridiculous. The doctor checked me over, asked all the questions relating to an ectopic, which at the time I had no idea what that was. She kept me calm, she didn’t think it was anything to worry about, she didn’t think it was ectopic but she wanted to send me for a scan that day just to double check as it can be life threatening. It’s better to caught early.
So my usual anxieties kicked into full gear, shit I need to go to the hospital on my own, I’ve got to sit and wait for god knows how long. My dog is going to be stuck in her room for a long time, I need to feed her, she needs to be let outside. You see I hate confining dogs to one room, plus my dog is my baby. Trying to deal with the intense anxiety I was feeling was so fucking hard, but I did it. In the back of my head I knew I needed to stay just to see if my baby was okay.
Luckily I wasn’t waiting very long for my ultrasound, ended up having to have an internal exam and girls if you’ve had one before then you know how uncomfortable they can be. She couldn’t see anything in my uterus, but as you know the technicians can’t confirm anything. She was such a lovely lady, so calming. I’ll be honest I was kind of on autopilot from this point. I had to go up to a ward and wait to be seen, I got given a bed after 20 minutes of being in the waiting room. They told me they were busy but would get round to check me soon, and take bloods. 30 minutes go by I’m starving and thirsty getting irate as I was freaking out and hate not knowing what’s going on, a nurse finally comes in tells me to get undressed from the waist down so they can examine me. They just need to find the torch!
How mortifying, all I could think was they need a damn torch to look up my lady tunnel. Hadn’t shaved my legs for about a week, my lady garden wasn’t looking as neat and tidy as I would of liked.
Anyway so there I was laying down with my bottom half all out ready with a blanket covering me, ready to confirm if I was going to have to lose this baby or not. I was sat there for 1 hour! Waiting for someone to finally come in and tell me what the fuck was going on. Finally the little lady serving drinks opens my curtain and I have to ask her what’s going on I’ve been told to sit here to be examined by no one came back? What’s going on? Can I put my trousers back on? Apparently, they forgot about me, how charming is that?! Then I get told to put the trousers back on and wait for a doctor. After about 45 minutes the hottest doctor I thought I would ever see walks in, which made the whole ordeal seem a tiny bit better, but then I opened my mouth and told him I’d been laying there with my vajayjay out for an hour. *face palm*. He then proceeded to tell me he’s just here to take my blood, not examine me. Alright love, calm down I don’t want you going near my lady tunnel anyway, didn’t particularly want anyone doing it.
1 in 80 pregnancies in the UK are ectopic. Please click the link below for information on ectopic pregnancies. Signs & symptoms. What help you can get. https://www.ectopic.org.uk/
I’ve finally been examined which was awful, they couldn’t find just their little torch they brought out this massive torch ON WHEELS! They then said they needed my bed for someone else and I needed to go sit in the waiting room. Now, I have no problem giving my bed up but considering this entire time they had been classing me as high risk and I need to be seen urgently, I was a tad annoyed. So I was sat in the waiting room for 6 hours, they wouldn’t let me leave to go get my phone charger out my car, they wouldn’t let me use their phone chargers so I could phone my mum and my husband to let them know what’s going on. I had started bleeding which I kept telling them, I wasn’t allowed to eat, they didn’t know what was going on. I read all the magazines twice. My dog had been in her room for 12 hours now! I was livid, I was losing my shit which is never fun for anyone. In the end I discharged myself because I couldn’t do it anymore it was 10pm, my mum and aunty were on their way to the hospital, but I couldn’t tell them where I was or that was about to leave. I was told if I discharge myself then I have to do this whole process again, but I didn’t care by this point. I was minutes away from having a panic attack I needed to leave.
I get home I’ve spoken to my family everyone had been freaking out as they couldn’t get hold of me, the cramping had gotten worse on the drive home as well as the bleeding. I just knew this was it, this was the end of my pregnancy.
There are these moments in your life that you just know are going to change you, you know this is going to fuck with you completely and you don’t know if you’ll be okay the other end of it.
This was my moment. I cried; my mum cried but she didn’t understand what an ectopic pregnancy meant. She would joke around saying close your legs and stick them in the air to keep it in. I went for shower, had something to eat and cuddled my pooch. Then we got the call from the lady I had been waiting to see all evening. I need to come back to the hospital right away because I was already bleeding and if my fallopian tube ruptured phoning an ambulance to get to me and take me back was too long to wait. The possibility of my dying on the way back to the hospital was too high. So off we went, I’m glad I had had a shower if anything, because the next few days I was a hot mess. The nurses on the night shift were amazing, they had to wake me up every hour to do observations. I was awake most of the night anyway as hospital wards are loud, all the beeping and people grunting in their sleep. Plus, I don’t do well in places I’ve never been before.
My mum got to stay an hour when we first got there which they don’t normally allow but they did for me due to the situation. My mum was amazing, she has always told me straight which I love, and she did that night too. Never tell people it’ll be alright because it won’t be, not straight away. Not for a long time. Loss is hard no matter how far along you are in pregnancy, please remember a loss is still a loss. Never say, ‘at least you can get pregnant’, ‘it wasn’t really a baby though was it’, ‘you can try again soon’. The list could go on, but you get the gist. Sometimes not saying anything at all just a hug or just being there for the person is all they need. Don’t forget dads too, they feel it. Maybe not the same way as women but it’s still a loss to them.
Please read my next post about the treatment I decided to take and my recovery. xXx