This post is jam packed with triggers. Please do not read if you are triggered by reading about pregnancy loss. If you found me because you are currently going through either an ectopic or miscarriage, I am so sorry you are. But you are a strong ass woman! I know it is absolutely heartbreaking, but you will get through it. That heartache will never go, it’ll just get easier to cope with.
March 2017 I suffered my first pregnancy loss
A loss that I thought would be my only one, a loss that I thought I would never be able to recover from mentally. That time of my life was, well, absolute hell. I hated myself, but mostly I hated the world. I hated other people, the constant “at least you know you can get pregnant“. Knowing I could get pregnant didn’t make what I went through any better. Not in the slightest. My body had failed me, in the worst way possible. There was nothing wrong with the baby, had it been in the correct spot I would of experienced my first pregnancy. A planned pregnancy.
If none of this happened I wouldn’t have my son, and that’s the only reason I don’t like talking about the ‘what ifs’ so much now. Before I was pregnant with him that’s all I could think about. What if I had had a successful pregnancy, what would they be like? Boy or girl? What if my body wasn’t messed up, I wouldn’t be a shell of a person. It was mentally and physically draining. In all honesty I could not handle it, I struggled day to day. To communicate like a normal human, I was hot and cold with everyone. One minute I’d love you and be laughing. Then I would remember what happened and feel an intense amount of guilt for living in that happiness, I would shut down. Or worse get angry for no reason. It was rough, not only for me but everyone else as well.
Please check out these websites if you have experienced an early pregnancy loss. They really helped me understand my what happened. (Not affiliate links)https://ectopic.org.uk/ https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/
Should I say sorry for how I handled my pregnancy loss?
Nope. I am that person that stands by my actions. I will only apologise if I feel I am wrong. With this situation I don’t want to feel wrong about how I handled it. How I coped, because grief is different for everyone. If you’re suffering right now, just know you can feel however you want to. You want to shout? Do it. You want to cry every night in the shower? Do it, I did. It’s actually one of my favourite places to cry about shit.
My point is, you do whatever you need to, to wake up in the morning and just cope. It gets easier I promise you that. The pain will never go away, but 2 years later I am finally able to remember my loss and not break down. This subject is seen as ‘taboo’, but we need to speak about it. The unspoken. Women and men out there need to feel comfortable to not only talk, but remember that time in their life without the constant replies of, “well, at least you know you can get pregnant”, “there’s always next time”, “you can just have another baby” and my favourite one that I received every time I would speak of my loss, “you weren’t very far along so its not that bad”.
The immense pain I felt when people would say that shit to me was indescribable. You’re telling us our pain, our babies didn’t really matter because we were only in the early stages. Let’s stop saying the shitty comments and just be there for those that are going through loss or have experienced it.
I am 1 in 80. I am also now 1 in 4.https://thehonestmums-club.co.uk/ectopic-pregnancy-my-story/
Why am I 1 in 4?
Whilst on our family holiday I found out I was pregnant. Well we didn’t really know, the test was super super faint. I thought I had line eyes. Which if you’re TTC you’ll know all about line eyes. It’s horrible, always asking everyone else if they can see it, then they say no but you don’t believe them. I took tests everyday and they were getting darker. To be honest we shit our pants, we were not ready. I’d love to have another baby, but my husband doesn’t. It’s a rough subject in our house right now.
I am also aware now how ridiculously expensive childcare is. When I say expensive I mean having no money after all bills and childcare at the end of the month. God knows how I’m going to afford petrol to get to work.
My test were getting darker each time, yet I didn’t feel pregnant. After a couple days I started to bleed, I thought it was implantation bleeding. Or a period, I honestly didn’t have a clue. With my ectopic I did bleed on one day but it was very different. I tried to just carry on because it was super light but when I woke up the following day, I just knew something wasn’t right. The bleeding was a lot heavier and I passed quite a few clots. TMI I know but here at The Honest Mums Club, you get all the nitty gritty.
I was bleeding for 5 days before I got to a doctor, to explain what was going on. So even though I was bleeding I kept taking tests. Like I was torturing myself, digging that knife in deeper.
The test was negative. Fucking negative at the doctors! You know how many tests I took? 15. I even took one that morning that was positive. She looked at me like I was batshit crazy. Anyway she told me to take a test on the Monday. I’d like to tell you that I have self restraint and waited but I took a test everyday. 4 days worth of tests, all positive.
Why did it take so long for my miscarriage to resolve itself?
Fast forward to speaking to a doctor and asking for an early scan because I was petrified of having another ectopic, I could not do that again. Internal ultrasounds fucking suck just so you know. They couldn’t find anything, which began the tests and questions. Phone calls everyday, analysing all the pains, twinges, the illness I had that I thought was the flu.
I didn’t think I would say this, but I told my husband if I am losing this pregnancy, I cannot handle another ectopic. There are so many unknowns with an ectopic, is it in my other tube? Attached to an ovary? All the terrifying situations that have shitty outcomes. Reducing my chances of conceiving naturally even more.
It took 1 month for my body to go through my miscarriage. ONE MONTH! I bled twice, for 1 week super heavy, I then 10 days no bleeding, but bled again for another week. Cramps for the whole month, my HCG levels wouldn’t go down as fast as what they consider “normal”. Blood tests every 3 days, then every Friday for 4 weeks. It was still an early pregnancy loss.
I am 1 in 4. I have another statistic slapped on my forehead.
Believing I was going to have a baby for that short time, was exciting yet terrifying. Worried about life with 2 under 2, but intrigued by the chaos.
Friends & family that have never experienced early pregnancy loss will never fully understand. But by openly communicating with those close to you about your pregnancy loss, will help them see how truly painful it is losing a baby.