Lately I’ve been feeling shitty about myself. Before you tell me, I shouldn’t, and I have created a beautiful little boy and I’ve overcome so many things. I know. But my self love journey isn’t just about learning to love my post-partum body. It’s so much more than that, I need to learn to love my brain again. My body is second to that. My crazy birds’ nest of hair that genetics gave me, is third. That or I’m shaving it all off before Emerson pulls it all out, strand by fucking strand.
Why do I need to love my brain again and what does that even mean?
Well for so long my mental health has been crap, there have been times where I’ve been so far in my brain I didn’t know if I’d find my way to reality again. Does that make sense? My anxiety & agoraphobia took over my life for what seems like so long, but you see I have my whole life ahead of me. I do not want to give my anxiety anymore time. Especially now I have a child to look after.
Well 2 if you include my husband on the days, he can’t find the shit that is right in front of his damn eyes.
Whilst I was pregnant, I knew I didn’t want to be this mum that kept my baby in the house and didn’t do any fun activities as he grew up. I didn’t want to project my fears and worries onto him. Emerson has saved me in so many ways, but mostly from myself.
Loving my brain and mental state is going to take time. There are so many things I am passionate about, but the one thing I do know is I always want to help others. Ask anyone and they will tell you how indecisive I am about my career because I want to do it all. I want to help those that can’t speak up for themselves or don’t have the ability to. I want to be a lawyer, social worker, care worker but I don’t know how I feel about wiping butts other than my sons. It’s so difficult for me to decide because I wish I could help everyone. I know it’s not realistic for me, but I want to encourage everyone to stand up for themselves or others. If we all had the balls to stand up and fight, we’d be much better off. My mum always tells me I only win most arguments because I don’t give up, if I have an opinion about something, I’m not afraid to share it. Even if you don’t like it, you’re about to hear that shit anyway.
I have to be honest having anxiety so severe, that it progressed into agoraphobia was terrifying for me. I just wanted to be able to leave my house and not be absolutely petrified of everything. It’s so consuming not only for me but my family. Especially my husband, I’ll never forget how much he’s helped me and still does to this day. He helped me work through my graded exposure therapy. Driving me to Tesco and sitting in the car whilst I went in by myself just to buy 1 item. But you know he would always be my biggest cheerleader after and tell me I did good. This all sounds crazy to some people but it’s my reality, and so many other people suffer with agoraphobia.
You are not alone, I get it. My self love journey isn’t just about me, it’s about my family too. I want my son to grow up seeing strong women and respect that. To see his mum as someone that will always fight for him and speak to him about his feelings. Boys/ men should talk about their feelings, enough of this ‘man up’ bullshit. Men can have emotions and they can show them without being a joke. We need to make a change, and it needs to happen yesterday. Everyone should be able to talk openly about how they’re really feeling.
Suicide is the single biggest killer in men under the age of 45.In 2017 there were 6,213 suicides in the UK and Republic of Ireland.https://www.samaritans.org/about-samaritans/research-policy/suicide-facts-and-figures/
You want to cry fucking do it, get those tissues out love I’ll cry with you. I love a good cry, unless I cry to long watching Marley & Me. Then I’m out for a good 12 hours to recover. God knows what I’ll be like when Tara goes to doggy heaven.
Where does my self love journey start?
It starts now. Getting healthy is my biggest goal on this journey, I need to get healthy. I’m not comfortable with the size I am. I am aware my body won’t be the same and I’m okay with that. But that doesn’t give me this excuse to carry on eating a whole packet of biscuits when I feel sad or rewarding myself with an ice cream because I did something. I want to feel comfortable in my skin and I know that will happen if I am healthy. Losing the extra weight, I’ve put on will be a bonus. I’m not focused on numbers, for me it’s the way I feel.
Getting healthy again is extremely important because I recently suffered from a miscarriage and I know being unhealthy played a part in that. My body wasn’t ready to carry a baby again, I haven’t been taking the vitamins I should have been. I’ve not been looking after myself. I am also aware miscarriages are a sign that something wasn’t right with the baby. I understand that, but for me I feel like my body has failed me, again. I’ll talk more about it in another post.
As for my post-partum body well, stretch marks, tummy pouch and saggy boobs. Stretch marks have never bothered me anyway, I have never understood why people hate them, but we all have certain things that we don’t like. As for the saggy tatas, I love them. Why, you ask? Well guess what they’ve kept another human alive for 8 months, the girls deserve a medal if you ask me. But seriously I am proud my body has let me breastfeed for this long, the shape and size of them don’t matter to me. Join my emailing list to be part of the community. Next step I will be talking about my goals, and the vision I have for The Honest Mums Club.
Did you start yourself love journey recently? How did you begin? xXx