So, a little disclaimer, this post is only from my point of view and my experience being pregnant after my ectopic loss in March 2017. Pregnancy is different for everybody; we all deal with things in many ways. Just please keep an open mind, even if you’re experience was different.
For me being pregnant after my loss has been a rollercoaster of emotions. For a long time, I wasn’t excited although everyone around me was ecstatic, my mum and a couple of close friends cried when I told them the news. I just couldn’t get all my fears out of my mind. When I finally started to feel some excitement, my brain would instantly go back to what happened last time.
I was lucky enough to have a scan at 6 weeks to check that it had implanted in the correct place. I recommend speaking up if you are worried. My GP wasn’t going to refer me to have an early placement scan, but I told her I would not be able to sleep until I knew, I also didn’t want to lose my remaining fallopian tube at the age of 21. She agreed to phone them there and then to get me an appointment, which she did for the following week which was amazing. From finding out I was pregnant, to having that first scan I was a complete and utter mess. It was beyond impossible to control my emotions when I was already suffering with severe anxiety and agoraphobia. I didn’t want to go to work, encase something happened or if I started bleeding. I think my main concern was having a complete meltdown in front of my colleagues if something did go wrong.
Now I understand some people are overjoyed from the very start and that’s amazing! That makes me so happy. I just couldn’t let myself get that excited, I prefer to prepare myself for the worst-case scenario which is ridiculous, and I know I shouldn’t live my life like that. I just didn’t want to get so attached straight away again. Every week was an incredible milestone for me, even after 12 weeks I was still so thankful for being pregnant another week.
But let me tell you, the first trimester was rough as fuck. The nausea was awful, I felt like I’d been drinking for a week straight, on a boat but until I was 13 weeks. I kept holding back being sick as it’s a big phobia of mine, I hadn’t been sick in 4-5 years, I’d do anything to not puke. It’s also a huge trigger for my anxiety, as soon as I feel sick, I do not want to leave the house or do anything. I have no idea where this phobia came from, but I can tell you since being pregnant and having my baby I am able to handle it, sort of. The tiredness was difficult also but being exhausted and nauseous was not fun. To put it plainly I was miserable, I’m hoping a lot of other women feel that way too. We should be able to talk about all our pains and symptoms without people attacking you, saying you should be grateful you can have children and carry your own child. Of course, I’m beyond grateful that I can have a successful pregnancy, there is no doubt about that, but that does not mean we don’t have horrible symptoms. We can moan and complain if we want to, just shut up and listen. Or pretend to listen like my husband, I don’t blame him though I think I spoke about feeling rough 90% of my first trimester.
BOOBS. BREASTICLES, the ta-tas. Sweet mother of god, the pain! My chest felt like I had boulders attached, now I do not have big boobs but still they doubled in size and that shit is painful. Add in the dreadful power shower, which is normally my bestie, I had to put my hands in-front of my chest to protect them otherwise it felt like someone was throwing tiny knives at me. Drama queen I know, but if you know what I’m talking about I promise the pain eases off!
Although the symptoms sucked, I couldn’t believe I was actually growing a baby. Being nauseous, tired and having sore boobs was a reminder that I was still pregnant, that I wasn’t having another ectopic. I still wasn’t ready to announce my pregnancy to anyone other than my family and close friends. I was terrified that I’d announce it and then something would happen, and I’d have to explain what was going on. So, we had our 12-week scan all was perfect, but I still wasn’t ready yet. People that needed to know already knew. My mum cried, my best friends cried also, I had so much support it was amazing. There was one person I just couldn’t work the balls up to tell, my granddad. Don’t ask me why because I have no idea. In the end my mum told him, and everything was good.
I could complain and moan about a lot of thing, but pregnancy is amazing. It’s incredible what our bodies can do to bring new life into the world. Although it was tough throughout most of my pregnancy as I had SPD from around 18 weeks and was diagnosed with anaemia, I have never felt so comfortable in my own skin. I loved my baby bump, feeling him move knowing he was growing and healthy. Our little mini versions of ourselves, I feel so proud of myself being able to endure what I did mentally and physically, I love my son with all my heart. Mama’s you should all feel proud of yourselves whether you had a difficult pregnancy or not! The second trimester was my favourite, but I’ll get into that in my next post!