My journey to having a baby hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows. Some women are so excited to start trying for a baby, I wouldn’t say I was excited. I felt too guilty for losing my first but getting pregnant again was what I wanted. It started for selfish reasons, I wanted to prove to myself that I could get pregnant and stay pregnant. But then I remembered why I wanted to start a family again, why it was important to me, I couldn’t wait for a little baby that was the perfect mix of my husband and me.
I was in such a dark place with my anxiety, I would either lash out at everyone or I would just shut myself off. I wasn’t present a lot of the time, especially at work as people just kept asking if I’d been on holiday or if I had a nice time off. At the time I didn’t want to talk about what had happened, I didn’t want people to know what I was going through. I just couldn’t bare the pity on their faces, subconsciously I knew it was coming from a good place, but I hated it. I closed off my thoughts and feelings when I began thinking about everything that happened.
Anxiety and depression coincide with each other, for me anyway.
After my recovery the depression was what I struggled with the most. I had never suffered from it so intensely before. I didn’t want to get out of the bed in the morning, I barely left the house, I couldn’t bear the thought of seeing happy pregnant woman walking around, rubbing their cute bumps. It took a long time for me to remember everyone has their own story, their own struggles. All pregnant woman should be celebrated even if it is unbearable for you to hold your pain back. I was always honest with the women I knew that were pregnant when I wasn’t. It’s an odd feeling being so happy for them but at the same time being jealous and upset wishing you were pregnant also. The pain I felt about surviving my ectopic pregnancy was indescribable. If you have never experienced it, you would never understand.
Why Trying For A Baby Is Mechanical
I never thought I’d be one of those women that tries to get pregnant. I thought, like a lot of young girls do, I’ll get pregnant straight away. That wasn’t the case, the first pregnancy took 6 months of actively trying and the second time was 9 months. When I say actively trying, I mean using ovulation kits every month and taking a ridiculous amount of pregnancy tests when it was time for my period. Honestly, I could have started my own little tuck shop. You needed pregnancy tests? I had plenty, just tell me what brand I had them all. Folic acid, ovulation kits, I can recommend many different apps I used to track my ovulation as well. I went crazy for them. Flo was my favourite, simple and easy for me to use, I’ve used it all through my pregnancy also.
You see the only problem with all of this was that it all became very mechanical. It was so difficult for me to block all that shit out my brain, what was the point of having sex today if I’m not ovulating? All I could think was, ‘Don’t waste those little swimmers!’ how ridiculous is that? My husband hated it, and I don’t blame him at all. Sex shouldn’t be boring or lacking love and passion. It’s not fair on anyone. So, girls get out that fancy lingerie once in a while, even just to make yourself feel good! Or have a date night and do the things that you love doing together.
Trying for a baby was hard on our marriage
After the endless negative pregnancy tests, I didn’t feel like myself anymore, my husband and I were always arguing about trivial things. I just wanted to argue all the time it seemed like, and that is probably due to the fact I fucking detested talking about feelings. I’d rather be stuck on a boat in the middle of the ocean with clowns. Dramatic I know, but I just couldn’t handle it. I’m much better now as I know what can happen if I hold it all in, which isn’t good for anyone around me. We finally reached our breaking point when he decided suddenly, he no longer wanted to have children. Which killed me, how could he say that to me after everything? After me telling him that’s what I’ve always wanted.
So now queue the psycho wife, I just kept telling him he should have married someone else, we should just get divorced, if he didn’t want kids then what was the point? He would also say similar things; it was rough. What bothered me the most was that he would never talk about the ectopic pregnancy, or when I tried to speak about it, he would change the subject. When he finally told me why, I couldn’t believe it. He didn’t want to talk about how he felt about it as he didn’t want to make me even more upset than what I already was. He wanted to be strong for the both of us, which amazes me. He also hates talking about mushy feelings more than I do. My husband is so laid back I’m surprised he’s not permanently laying down. I hope all our children are like him and just go with the flow. I’m so glad we worked through it in the end, as I have no idea what I do without that crazy man-child. It took me writing down all my thoughts and how I felt about it all in a letter. He read it let me have a cry and listened to me, he was amazing.
It was November time when we decided to stop trying altogether, we were going to spend the next year going on holidays, experiencing new things. Although it broke my heart, I knew it’s what we both needed, we were finally in a good place. Christmas was coming! Time to put my beautiful 7ft tree up! So, we focused on Christmas, we kept looking at possibly going to Rome or Venice as we still hadn’t been on a honeymoon. We still haven’t nearly 2 and half years later. One day we will have that amazing honeymoon we deserve! If only teleportation was real, I wouldn’t have to drug myself up for flights.
Entering the new year, we were ready for the year of travelling ahead, all the possibilities. Second week into January I woke up one morning and decided to take a pregnancy test, I will never be able to tell you why but for some reason I just felt like I needed to. One last negative test to start the year, it was 10 days before my period was due to start, but I had one of those super sensitive tests left to take. Nothing prepared me for the faint line I saw on that test. I wanted to vomit; I was terrified of what my husband would say after we had planned all our getaways. I forgot to mention he was due to leave the army in April that year, and we had also purchased a house. We like to do everything in one go, we obviously enjoy chaos.
But I wouldn’t change a single fucking thing.