Mental Health

What Not To Say

March 7, 2019

This is going to be a short blog post. Basically, all the things people told me after my ectopic pregnancy that made me want to either scream or throat punch someone. Sometimes both.

“At least you can get pregnant”- Pretty much every time I spoke about my loss. I couldn’t give two flying fucks; I understand I can get pregnant and for that I am so grateful but you’re missing the point. I could get pregnant, but I couldn’t carry my baby. My body wasn’t healthy enough to have that pregnancy in the correct place. I think people don’t understand that some women can get pregnant but can’t carry to term or have multiple losses. Just don’t say these words to anyone.

“Yeah but you were not very far along”- first off, a loss is a loss. Some women instantly feel attached to their babies as soon as they find out they’re pregnant. It doesn’t matter if you’re 5 weeks or 10. That was still my child, I still felt love for it. I was still excited about the journey I was about to go on. It doesn’t hurt any less just because I was just over 6 weeks pregnant. But I do have to say I cannot even begin fathom the pain of losing a full-term baby and having to give birth knowing I won’t be taking my baby home. Shout out to all the strong mamas out there! Who still carry on after such a life changing event, you are amazing! We all are.

“You can try again soon”- this one was a killer for me. Of course, I wanted to try for another baby but only when I’m mentally ready. When I can bear the thought of being pregnant again, when I am able to handle the worry, the unknown if I’m having another ectopic. I hated this so much because people acted like I’m just replacing a dead goldfish or something. I just lost my first baby, I needed to mourn that loss before I do anything remotely baby related. But thanks for reminding me I can just try again. Also, just a gentle reminder some women must go through IVF, so simply just trying again isn’t all that you think it is. It’s not so easy as just jumping into bed for some people.

I am going to talk more about what I went through whilst trying for another baby as I think I lot of people will relate to my experience, not only women but men too. I think we forget that blokes have some feelings too although my husband isn’t one for talking about them. He’s also very laid back and not much phases him. But the way I was during this time affected him a lot.

Please feel free to leave any other comments you received after suffering your loss, that you didn’t appreciated. I want to spread awareness of all the things not to say to people who have had a loss. Also leave comments on what you would like to hear from people. Are there certain conversations you had that helped you?


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